Coles: music eased my grief

Former 80s pop star, the Reverend Richard Coles, has just published a book that lays bare the profound grief he felt at losing his ‘life partner’ – and reveals he found solace in music.

The Madness Of Grief is a poignant account of Coles coping with the 2019 loss of his partner, Richard, and how he dealt with the trauma and pain of bereavement.

He reveals he has an eclectic taste in music, revelling in the stirring synthesizer sounds of The Eurythmics while being awe-struck by hymns such as Thou Visitest The Earth and All My Hope On God Is Founded.

And it is to these melodies, and more, he turned when he was at his lowest ebb.

Although not a self-help book, the homilies, experience and catharsis within creates invaluable solace. It will resonate for the myriad struggling with grief wrought by the pandemic.

Since relinquishing pop stardom for the vestry, Coles has become vicar of St Mary The Virgin in the Northamptonshire parish of Finedon. He can also be heard on radio Four every Saturday morning, where he co-hosts a popular weekend programme.

His latest book follows Fathomless Riches and Bringing In The Sheaves – his best-selling memoirs.

Richard Coles’ top 10 pieces of music…

1. Cactus Tree by Joni Mitchell
2. Love Is A Stranger by The Eurythmics
3. Me And The Sky by Jenn Colella
4. Drumming by Steve Reich
5. Shackles (Praise You) by Mary mary
6. Making Plans For Nigel by XTC
7. Though Visitest The Earth by Maurice Greene
8. Promised Land by Joe Smooth
9. Libertango by Richard Galliano
10. All My Hope On God Is Founded by Herbert Howells

People kill belief, not God

Believers regularly talk of ‘winning hearts and souls for Jesus’ – but what of those people who have tasted faith and, for a variety of reasons, decided to quit. Does a congregation really care about the issues that drove someone away, and do they do anything to put things right?

An interesting article recently appeared on the Buzzfeed website, which got my grey cells working and led me to examine why people quit the Church. I looked into the reasons expressed by many former believers – including those in the online article – and read more than 2,000 views. Of these, the vast majority cited a range of things such as a lack of spirituality through to a failure to support families when they are facing tough times, the gay debate and inappropriate sexual conduct.

None of these issues shocked me. Nor did the response of the various churches, which on the surface, didn’t look as though they had done much to allay the concerns of these disaffected people.

But what did come as a surprise were the reasons former believers claimed their faith had been shattered – with the overwhelming majority saying they had been let down by other people!

None of them said God had harmed them in any way whatsoever. Most did not profess to no longer believe in a Creator. All they could say was someone, or some people in their Church, had not behaved in a very Christian manner and this conduct had shattered their belief.

'Anything goes'

It is a terrible thing when a person loses their faith, but this is not the place to debate in detail what Christians should and shouldn’t do. However, what I would love to know is how strong the Biblical teaching was in these churches and how rigorously was it applied?

For me, that is the key. Give people a lukewarm, ‘anything goes’ version of the Bible, and it will be hard for them to grow in any meaningful sense. I have seen many people fall by the wayside simply because they were not taught the right things from the outset. And because the teaching was flawed, so too was individual and corporate conduct.

It is imperative Christians practice not what they teach, but what the Bible teaches. And at the core of this wonderful book – the second greatest gift ever given to men and women – Christians are instructed to look up to the Lord and trust in Him. And on almost every other page, it warns the reader of the perils of putting his or her faith in fellow human beings: being let down, or worse, is guaranteed!

It is now more than two thousand years since Jesus died. It is long overdue, but how I welcome the day when all of us cut out the middle-man (or woman) – that person or people that influences what we think and feel – and instead go straight to the source.

 

Here are some of the comments from the Buzzfeed article that piqued my interest…

‘My father lost his job and the only work he could get involved travel, which meant he couldn't make the Sunday service. Even though my parents gave to the church monthly, all the support we got were 'prayers that he found a job closer to home.' As a teen, I was asked by church elders why father thought making money for his family was more important than attending the church.’

‘Nowadays, I think church is mostly a social group for people with similar cultural beliefs, more than an exercise in spirituality. I took my family to church for years because that was what I grew up with, and I was familiar with it. But, gradually I realized that as a truly spiritual person, I had outgrown the beliefs of the Methodist church and I felt hypocritical to be there. My kids didn't even buy the stories and complained about going. So when my grandpa died, we just stopped going to the church he expected us to be at every Sunday.’

‘We had divorcees in the church and overt racists, but not gay people or former inmates. There were teachings of love, but it was very clear that love was only meant for certain people.’

‘My church growing up was kinda messed up. Southern Baptist. We brought an African American friend to Wednesday night youth group, and the youth pastor took him aside, told him to leave, and asked him not to come back.’

‘My minister’s wife, got brain cancer, and it took her years of suffering until she died. Our minister broke down during service, crying at the alter and he cursed God. It affected me deeply.’

‘I asked myself, would I have been Christian if I was born in a country with a predominantly different religion and my parents were of that religion? The answer was no. Which made me ask what makes Christianity 'more right' than other religions’

‘The pastor that I deeply admired and respected turned out to be having multiple affairs and cheating on his wife for months, if not years, prior to her finding out. It just feels like I’ve been duped, too, and it will take some time before I’m ready to go back.’

Duke’s 'great faith' revealed

Regarded as the Royal Family’s ‘favourite clergyman’ because of his force of personality and practical wisdom, Dr John Sentamu has given a fascinating insight into the strong faith of the Duke of Edinburgh, who died on Friday aged 99.

The former Archbishop of York, speaking to the BBC, recalled how they prayed together at an official event – and joked that Prince Philip would have appreciated his shortened funeral service, because the duke could not stand what he called the ‘long church’.

He also revealed family troubles were also a concern for the duke.

‘I think it was the ambassador’s dinner at Buckingham Palace and he really was feeling very, very sorry for some of the things that were happening in his family – particularly his sons,’ he revealed.

‘He said ‘What would you say to me about the trouble that was happening with all my family?’ I said ‘Well, your royal highness, you are a family like any other family, and every family goes through good times and bad times.

‘The important thing for me is that you should realise that if people are married they are not just a couple, there is a third and that’s Jesus Christ, and they should begin to go to Jesus Christ’. He said ‘Of course, the Queen and I are so strong in Jesus Christ.’

Dr Sentamu said the duke asked him to pray for his children – and they did so at the dinner.

He said: ‘There was this unbelievable depth of his rootedness, because (the duke) was so rooted in Christ, he didn’t have any problem in relating to people about their faith or people who didn’t believe at all. Her Majesty is exactly the same.’

Time to celebrate being you

I have been a Top Gear ‘whatever’ critic for many years.

This means the cars I have owned been practical and uneventful, and range from a Triumph Toledo – that was built like a tank which enabled me to slide on ice and crash through a Castle wall – to the most boring Peugeot 405 (in light blue without even a spoiler) that even my wife was reluctant to be seen in!

I never had any torque tools, and I have lost count of the number of times I have seen canvas where the rubber of my tyres was supposed to be.

However, I have now found a car that is uniquely me – a bright orange Renegade Jeep.

I am so made up. It reflects the quirky taste in socks and shirts, and is the perfect vehicle for my job, which allows me to wear jeans and shirts that compete with Steve Legg’s own wardrobe collection of Hawaiian Shirts (Steve is the founding editor of Sorted).

I was not always like this in life. Not so long ago, I conformed to expectations, dining on the seven pillars of culture and spheres of society, namely: religion, family, education, government, media, arts and business.

This led me to believe children should not speak until they are spoken to; a belief that wearing the right suit and tie at work was the right thing to do; having a four-bedroom house with two bathrooms was all-important; I needed to be part of a two-car family and being target-orientated and having a win-at-all-cost approach to life would set me apart from the pack.

How wrong I was.

Adapt and enjoy

What I since discovered is I am preciously unique; I am the ‘diamond geezer’ I am meant to be; I am unique (that’s for sure); I have gifts, talents and passions (including supporting Everton FC); and I have my own personal style of engaging with life!

I have had to learn, adapt and enjoy being untypical. This has meant learning how to accept and love the differences that make me unique. In doing so, I am continuously learning to stop myself comparing, competing, judging, worrying, blaming, having regrets and being angry with the world. And, along the way, I am also content to have a good old laugh about hanging onto to one, or all the above.

In the Bible, in the Book of Psalms, it says: “I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex! Everything you do is marvellously breath-taking. It simply amazes me to think about it!”

So how did I change the landscape of my life?

The truth is I was drifting through life, living an existence conceptualised by everybody else – not me. I had to stop and be proactive in making choices for myself, taking seriously the evidence in my life of what made me tick, the skills I had acquired and the good intentional influences on my life.

For me, faith was central to helping me identifying what I did best; what satisfies me; and what gives me fulfilment in being uniquely me. 

And while this is great news for me, it is also good news for you. For as Dr Seuss says: “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive than is ‘youer’ than you.”

My encouragement to you is live your life as truly and fulsomely as you can. And, if you are a bit different from your mates, then that is something to celebrate.

• Gwyn Williams is the International Operations Director of Feed the Hungry, an international charity committed to alleviating food poverty and food hunger. He also regularly attends a church in Hinckley, Leicestershire.

A man of enduring faith

Quite rightly, many fitting tributes are being made to the Duke of Edinburgh – to a life of devotion as a husband and father, and of immense selflessness and commitment to the country he served so well for so long.

Prince Philip was a man known for his strength, conviction and passion for the causes he supported. He was also witty and intelligent.

Underpinning everything he did was an undeniable and rock solid foundation: his belief in a creator God.

Faith is a subject he rarely talked about. In truth, he didn’t need to, for almost everything he did in life demonstrated his devotion to the Christian life he, and Her Majesty, chose to lead.

You cannot live the life Philip led, and be married for more than 73 years, without such an anchor.

In the days to come, we will learn much, much more about this extraordinary man, his achievements and the many lives he touched.

It is right the country mourns his loss fulsomely. It is the least we can do as a nation for it is unlikely we will see his kind again any time soon.

Rest in peace, HRH. Britain is a better place for having you at the helm for so long. You will be missed.

Time to maintain good habits

According to the government department that oversees spending, Britons have saved more than £143.5 billion during the course of the pandemic.

But as the next phase of unlocking family and working life comes into force on Monday (12 April), it’s likely many of us will loosen the purse strings – and, as a result, could find ourselves in experiencing financial difficulties in the not too distant future.

‘There are some simple actions we can all take to feel free and spend again without accidently building up overdrafts and credit card worries,’ says financial services expert, Aseem Munshi.

‘If you don’t have a budget in place, now is a good time to set one up. Think about your spending through lockdown and how much you want to set aside to enjoy. What are you happy to spend on socialising with family and friends, self-care or new purchases?

‘If you already have a budget, update it with your increased spending for the next few months but be sure you can still meet essential expenses.’

Spending on drinks and dinners with friends and family, getting some much-needed self-care booked in, and organising shopping trips will once again start to become the norm, albeit these events may have a different look and feel to them for months to come

The Office for Budget Responsibility’s findings are welcome news. But while a return to normality beckons, it is highly likely many people will see their spending increase. So, in a bid to stay in control of your finances, here are some simple and practical steps designed to help enjoy yourself without blowing the budget, advocated by Aseem Munshi’s Updraft business.

View your accounts in one app

Some financial services companies give you the option to view all your accounts in one place, even if they are from different providers. This means you can see exactly what you have coming in and going out which will help with any updates to budgeting. Plus, there are benefits like being able to check your credit score and track any changes whenever you like.

Put financial goals in place

Having a goal to work towards is a big motivator. Try and make these experience or lifestyle-based rather than just a number. Psychologically it is harder to dip into savings when you are focused on saving for a specific item or experience. 

Bring your debts into one place

If you owe money on credit cards, buy now pay later schemes or you’re in an overdraft see if you can bring these all into one place. One total with one monthly payment is a lot easier to manage.

Don’t worry about falling off track

And don’t panic if you feel like your finances aren’t going in the right direction for a few months. As we make the most of the new freedoms, outgoings might be slightly higher as we enjoy a new routine. Try not to worry, your spending is likely to settle back down – as long as you adapt your budget.

In Richards, we find hope

The Rolling Stones 60th anniversary tour is set to go ahead next year – assuming the pandemic has at last been brought under control and WD40 has been successfully applied to its members vital joints and organs.

Yet one of the world’s greatest-ever bands may never have happened at all had lead guitarist, Keith Richards, the one-time heroin addict and bad boy, not been part of the St Paul's Cathedral boys choir.

Yes, you heard me right: Keith Richards was once a chorister!

The story of how Richards and Mick Jagger first met in Dartford and discovered their mutual love of Blues is history. What's not quite so well known is Richards rebelled against religion after he was kicked out of St Paul’s shortly after his voice had broken.

The story is no secret, but it is largely unknown. And it demonstrates to me how much he loved what he was doing at that time and how such seemingly tiny incidents can change a life, leading someone from one extreme to the other.

Instead of continuing with a life centred on religion and spirituality, Richards chose to go down the path of rock and roll, becoming one of the most infamous addicts in the history of the music business.

He became a symbol of rebellion; castigated Jagger for accepting a knighthood; and was almost killed on several occasions after consuming a variety of drugs and booze cocktails.

Spiritual dimension

Today, the 77-year-old is a changed man. And once again, he would seem to have discovered a spiritual dimension to his life.

‘I keep picking up the Bible. which is really weird because I don't understand it,’ he declared in a recent interview.

Married happily now for over 36 years to Patti Hansen, the daughter of a preacher man and a devout born-again Christian, Richards is the man who played one of the greatest rock solos of all time on Sympathy with the Devil, a track that saw Jagger take on the persona of Satan. That may have been the greatest mistake of the singer’s career, for it resulted in murder when Hells Angels took charge and killed a guy in the crowd.

Yet even though he says he operates outside the boundaries of organised religion, I get the feeling there is something spiritual about Keith Richards – and he is someone who can give us all hope. In my case, I am also a former drinker, who was miraculously cured and has led an alcohol-free life for the last 25 years. So when a former addict speaks I tend to listen.

Nebulous spirituality

Since the slaying of an innocent music fan, Richards has recorded a spiritual album called Wingless Angels, which he claims was inspired by a near-death experience he had after falling from a palm tree.

‘Spirit is all around me,’ he says of his journey. ‘That’s why I did the Wingless Angels album: very spiritual music. But mine is a very nebulous spirituality. I wouldn’t care to put a name on it. I wouldn’t want to place any bets.’

Who knows where Richards’ spiritual journey will end, but as the saying goes: God moves in a mysterious way!

Amen to that.

Let's be women 'champions'

A chef I know recently told me about an incident involving a senior manager who declared to her, and others, that women do not belong ‘on the line’ in the kitchen.

“I was outraged,” she exclaimed. “He thinks women can be pastry chefs but that’s it. Then my boss told him, ‘Look at her! She’s one of our best people, only 20 and working on the line.’ And then a couple of other guys stood up for me. That head chef couldn’t say anything more. I felt really supported.”

For my friend, this was a happy ending. She can confidently take her place in a male-dominated industry knowing good men will speak up for her. But as I keep hearing every day, countless other women with the right qualifications, talent, experience and drive have been told by men that ‘they don’t belong’.

So, in a bid to increase my own understanding of the subject, I asked a number of women professionals to tell me their experience of exclusion in the world of work…

• A former gas executive and regulator told me: “It can be blunt or subtle, but it’s been there for 35 years.”
• A senior geologist said: “Men brush women off with ‘she’s not a fit’ because their culture is white guys playing golf.”
• A mining executive revealed: “I always feel on the fringes of networking conversations because I’m not into sport and men aren’t into kids.”
• “Women often don’t get invited to meetings where decisions are made,” an executive coach told me. “So many teams are dominated by men head-butting each other, why would a woman join? And men don’t listen to a woman. She can say something, and no one notices but if a man says the same thing, it’s genius.”
• A power industry director said, “Many women take time out to have children and are seen as having less experience, but they bring a totally different perspective to the job. Yet many men making the decisions don’t consider outside views and are unaware they do that.”

During my conversations with these women, the mining executive added: “My former employer introduced gender equality targets. Two women were quickly promoted but failed because they weren’t set up or supported properly. How do you think they feel now?”

Challenge unfair policies

I was struck by the similarity of the women’s experiences, particularly after all my interviewees told me men need to speak up for women.

For example, a consultant and mentor told me: “Women have had to speak up for themselves for decades. Now men have to join them.”

In a variation of the same theme, the chief executive of a large not-for-profit commented: “Men must challenge unfair policies and procedures at work and get them changed.”

Meanwhile, another respondent added emphatically: “[We need to] get a dialogue going.”

Dialogue? I’ve never discussed this subject with any man and, in truth, I really struggle to speak up when someone says something disrespectful towards a woman. My response has always been to ignore the comment, make a joke or gently scold the individual.

I let other guys off the hook because I’ve said stupid things myself and have been too worried about copping flak from other men like me – white, middle aged, middle class, university educated – for being a woke hypocrite.

But other men struggle too.

Appalling behaviours

A friend told me her husband, a fireman who’ll risk his life running into a blaze to save someone, won’t challenge his mates when they’re speaking disrespectfully about women.

But enough of others; how do I deal with recent news in Australia, where I live and work, that has revealed appalling behaviours toward women by male government officials and politicians at both state and federal level – including allegations of rape, abuse, harassment and incomprehensible acts like masturbating on female colleagues’ desks?

Thus far, I haven’t regarded this problem as mine because of my self-image as a decent bloke who respects women. But right now, women need men to speak up as their allies.

To be part of the solution, it’s essential to open my eyes to see “the water you’ve been swimming in since you were born,” as one woman told me.

This doesn’t mean I am to blame or at fault for the whole thing. It’s just that owning the problem is the first step in doing something positive about it.

Reds top baby fan ‘league’

For many fans, football isn’t just a sport – it’s a way of life.

But should it be a ‘given’ that your children support the same team as you?

Published today, a new study reveals fans of Premier League clubs like to keep things in the family – and the ‘indoctrination’ starts early as footie-mad parents begin their loyalty offensives when their children are still new-born babies!

Using Internet-tracking technology, researchers at GoodLuckMate have discovered up to 21,000 online searches are made every month by UK-based parents keen to buy their newly born bundles of joy anything from replica football shirts to baby accessories.

‘It’s been really interesting to find out which Premier League clubs have the pushiest parents and just how many die-hard fans choose their children’s club from birth,’ commented Nerijus Grenda of  GoodLuckMate. ‘It’s clear that baby-clothing and accessories are clearly lucrative markets for football clubs, with some mini home kits selling for more than £50. It’s a lot of money for something they’ll grow out of very quickly!’    

Liverpool fans would appear to be more committed to raising their youngsters as ‘Reds’, with almost 5,000 die-hard parents searching for baby products every month month.

This is nearly 50 per cent more than Manchester United, who are in second place with 3,250 average searches per month.

Spare a thought

London-based parents supporting Arsenal find themselves the third pushiest, googling products from their club’s baby collection 3,240 times a month. The Gooners easily beat fierce rivals, Spurs, whose 870 searches mean they occupy eighth place.  

Meanwhile, current Premier League table-toppers, Manchester City, find themselves way of the pace in the baby stakes, logging a paltry monthly average of just 490 searches. 

But while Pep Guardiola’s side might have work to do to catch up with their Anfield and Old Trafford rivals, spare a thought for perennial league strugglers Fulham (40 searches), Brighton (30 searches), and Southampton (20 searches).

The Saints’ official store may offer a wide range of infant products, but it seems fans are keeping their dribblers at home separate from those on the pitch. 

Is forgiveness in your DNA?

We all know what it feels like when we have been betrayed or treated badly – our ego comes to the fore big time and destructive forces flow.

But while falling out and temper tantrums sometimes can't be helped, carrying grudges are something we can control.

We live in a world where saying a simple ‘I'm sorry’ is too often interpreted as weakness when, in reality, it displays great strength.

All of this came into my head on Easter Sunday triggered by just two words, which still leave me awe struck.

I was listening to a biblical reading repeated in the morning and afternoon. It tells the story of the resurrection. It's the most familiar of stories, regardless of whether you do, or don’t believe in Jesus Christ. But within it, almost hidden, come these words as an angel tells the women at the tomb what they should do next on finding it empty.

He says to them: ‘But go, tell his disciples and Peter, He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’

A tough call

Those two words and Peter – the man who had denied Christ, just as he was told he would – stopped me in my tracks and made me realise that everybody, no matter  what they have done, is always forgiven by Christ.

Peter claimed to be the most passionate of Jesus' followers. He loved him with a vengeance and goodness knows how he must have been feeling after that denial. He may even have felt (because I know I would have done) that he wouldn't want anything more to do with Christ.

But the and Peter said everything, and later he would be asked by Christ three times whether he loved him.

Anger, resentment, the need for vengeance should never be a part of our psyche whatever happens to us.

Yes, it is a tough call to live this kind of life. But when the words ‘and John, and Mark and Dave’, or whoever, are included, we are presented with the perfect example to follow. I encourage you to try your hardest to do so.