DNA doesn't define a Dad
Being a father, and a force for good in the life of a young person, is much more than being linked to a child by mere biology, argues Claire Hailwood.
My teenagers often forward social media posts to me. Sometimes they are about gifts they want or food they want to make. Often they’re videos that gently poke fun at parents. And occasionally they’re something more meaningful.
One of these came recently. It posed the simple question: “What is a dad?”
Reading the comments that accompanied the social media post, it was striking to note the things respondents identified as important, or significant, in a father are not dependent on a biological connection. This revelation was significant to our teenager. They are an adopted young person, with personal experience of the complex layers connected to the role or person(s) known as ‘Dad’.
UNCERTAIN FUTURES: every 15 minutes, a child is put into the care system in the UK.
The previous weekend, our teenager rolled their eyes at the ‘dad jokes’ being shared around the dinner table with a young couple from our church. The guy is not a dad, but the simultaneous love and despair generated by his jokes were perhaps an acknowledgement of the role he has in our teenager’s life. He’s a person of influence, someone who is protective, consistent and offers guidance. Interestingly, these qualities were all mentioned in the post our teenager shared only days earlier.
A few years ago, a 16-year-old girl joined our family in need of support. She would go on to stay with us for two years until she was ready for independence. At the time, we had two pre-school children, so the addition of a teenager in the home was a welcome change from endless hours of playdough and cartoons!
Fast forward 12 years, and we’re thrilled to still be connected to this young woman. And every year, to celebrate Father's Day, she sends a card, text, or something on social media, to ‘Dandaye’.
SAFE AND SECURE: you don't have to be connected by blood to be a wonderful father.
This year’s message reads: “I never knew men could stick around for so long and keep showing up and not leave. Thanks for putting up with me.”
Such a heartfelt comment really emphasises that being a great dad is a lot more than an adult and a child simply sharing the same genes.
Alas, every 15 minutes, a child comes into care in the UK. They are precious, filled with potential and mischief, created on purpose to have purpose.
Many will have suffered neglect or abuse; all will go on to experience trauma and loss. It’s my belief that each one deserves a home where they will be loved, nurtured and enabled to thrive.
ROLE MODELS: men have an important part to play in helping children fulfil their potential.
At the charity where I work, we recognise everyone has a part to play in finding a home for every child who needs one. This Father’s Day (Sunday 19 June) we’re celebrating the unique role men have in the lives of children and young people. And we know just how difficult it can be to find space to talk about being a dad and explore ways to build a non-biological family.
Fathers; men. Thank you for the uniqueness and variety of everything you bring to families.
Perhaps this Father’s Day is the time to think about what part you can play to be ‘dad’ for a child who really needs one?
Claire Hailwood is Resources and Training Manager at the UK-based charity, Home for Good